My struggle

As I sit at work and talk with my co-workers about this bubble we live in I wonder. I wonder, what am I doing? I wonder, how I can live my life the way that I am? I wonder, what should I be doing?
I don't think that I was meant to live the American dream. I don't want to be rich and get more things. I just want to love and be loved. I dream of a simpler life, one filled with joyfulness, and most of all love.
I am tired of trying to keep up and dream of a day that I can stop. I am scared that day will never come or when it does it will be to late. I am worried that my children will have grown up without their parents being present and without realizing how much I love them. I say I am doing this for them but what do they really need? Probably just more of me.
I made some bad decisions financially. I thought I had finally stopped, and started to try and regain control, but I realize that I have been lying to myself. I keep saying I am going to change but I get caught up in trying to keep up with others. I feel alone in this struggle......